Then and Now…

12:41AM: “What do I say?”

“We’re still friends right?”

I pondered this thought long and hard before I decided to answer. I had to be careful though, if I hesitate for too long, anything that comes out of my mouth will instantly be doubted. But here’s the thing, what have I done to make him ‘doubt’ our friendship? Or rather doubt me for that matter. Was it the length of time that had passed? Had we really changed that much?

“Oh yes! Of course we are!” I said a tad too enthusiastically. The words felt empty as they left my mouth; devoid of meaning. Although I can see the questioningly look on his face disappear, I sense that he can see right through that lie. It’s quite confusing really, if we’re not friends, then what are we? Strangers?

I wouldn’t use that term, because that’s just about as untrue as using the term ‘friends’. Maybe, ‘two people who are just too stubborn to let go of something that was once good enough.’ But, I’ve changed. I’ve grown up, and honestly seeing him now has made me realise that he hasn’t grown up. Well… okay he has. Just not in the way in which I would’ve liked. Not in a way that makes it likely for our friendship to continue.

“Oh good! I just needed that clarification.” he rejoiced.

‘Clarification’ the word that emphasises the doubt that he and I share over our… ‘friendship.’ What’s sad is that I don’t know whether to give up, or to try harder. I’d like to say that the decision is a hard one, but that would only be telling of another lie.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll see you around sometime.”

There I go again with the lying, I mean even I didn’t believe that when I said it, so what makes me so sure that he would’ve?

“Yeah, definitely! See ya!” He said before he turned to walk away. I stood there for a few minutes as I watched his slim figure grow smaller and smaller with each step. That would be the last goodbye… and no amount of trying or wishing could change this sad fact.



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