2:00AM: ‘A sigh is all that could be managed at this hour…’
I see him, in a place that looks way too familiar, is too familiar… yet somehow, the feeling of familiarity has been lost in me now. Finally, after what has been an endless struggle… have I finally been able to move on.
I see him, downing the poison that is alcohol. Just seeing it created a burning sensation in the back of my throat. Even though he was never mine to begin with, I can’t help but feel a sense of… betrayal, regarding my memories. I really had created everything I thought was true.
I see him, whilst recognising the lies I had been led to foolishly believe. The once innocent boy who treated me with kindness was gone, maybe that’s why I was sad… I was grieving the loss of someone I once called a ‘friend’. I shake my head at my stupidity.
I see him, for the first time. Even though I had seen him many times before. I couldn’t help but see… him. Throughout my crush on him, I had been warned… many times. That there was never any good associated with a bad boy. Now, I understand… why I had been warned.
I see him, and I see me. The person I pretended to be, in order to be understood and even more so… to be liked. Sure, there was some truth in the facade I held up for him, but I drop my head in shame. Thinking that somehow, pretending to be someone I wasn’t… would make me happy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I see him, and I see me. How could it have worked out? I mean, honestly… what was I thinking? I guess when you’ve been living in a world full of fantasy for so long… you fail to see the total reality regarding situations… and people.
I see him, and now he’s seen me. He waves a small wave, as he finally finishes ‘skulling’ the remainder of the beverage as his friends shout triumphantly. Patting him on the back, and congratulating him. All in awe that somehow downing a drink in a smaller time frame than those around you, was something to be proud of. He summons me over, but I just mouth the words, ‘I can’t, I have to go.’
I see him, and I see the smile that had just made it onto his face drop. Almost as quickly as it had gotten there… I wave a small wave, accompanied by a small smile of my own before I retreat into the night.
I see him, as I walk along the brightly illuminated neighbourhood streets I had become all too familiar with. Good times take centre stage in my mind, playing our friendship like a movie… I smile, I well up. And once again, I just feel… numb. Particularly at the ending… knowing that unlike the Disney Movies I had grown up with, a happily ever after just wasn’t guaranteed.
I see him, in those memories… because even if the person he is today. Doesn’t quite match up to the boy I remember… I know that I can always hold on to my memories. Because even if he wasn’t true, the way he made me feel, was.
I see him, but not like I used to. Instead I see me, and what’s ahead. And I have to admit, I kind of like the unpredictability it all brings…