Fallen

I fell, many many years ago. Unfortunately, I was too young to fully understand this concept as ‘love’. To this day I still don’t know the full extent of my preserved feelings, all I knew at that age is that what I felt was too deep for it to be labelled a ‘friendship.’

Now, growing up I have seen love in many of its forms. Whether it is true or not has remained a mystery. Sometimes, I even question as to whether I fell in love with a person or an idea. I guess, it’s a mixture of both and that I really have blurred the lines between distinguishing fantasy and reality.

I have no idea how, what, when or even why I fell. At the time, I saw a future. In the messed up friendship that was and still is I saw a future and since then I have invested nothing but my time and energy into something that I now know is never going to happen. I can’t tell you how much this saddens me everyday.

‘How do I know?’ you may ask. Well, you see I told him. I was too weak to do it the day before when we saw each other in person. So, I messaged him the day after thinking that we were never going to see or rarely speak to each other ever again. He did tell me that he didn’t feel the same way and that he had fallen another girl. To make things worse is that this girl in turn has also fallen for him.

A couple of months passed when he unexpectedly messaged me one afternoon. He messaged me a few times before we finally got chatting once again. For a moment there I thought that we might’ve had a real chance at a real friendship. But, I was dismayed when things when back to normal after a few days.

Since then to my surprise I have taken little steps to getting over him. The reason why I couldn’t was because I couldn’t walk away without knowing if there was a chance. But, now that I know in the pit of my heart that there isn’t a chance. There never was and there never will. He has also asked me if I can commit to a friendship, which I blatantly said ‘yes’ to as I still want him in my life and that I do need someone like him to keep me grounded. But, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t say that I want something more.

But, now I have fallen for someone much more important; someone who is going to stick by me for the rest of my life. In case you haven’t guessed by now this person is ME!

Which makes me so happy, as I think that falling in love with yourself is the most important step and a very important and crucial process. I mean, how can anyone else be okay with you if you aren’t even okay with yourself? So, I’ve actually fallen for something real and something within my reach.

Never again will I blindly fall like I fell for you. I will always love you, don’t ever doubt that. I may not say the words, but I do says it in my actions which in this world nowadays seems to be more important. So, goodbye. I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out for you.

I mean it is the season for falling after all (In case you didn’t get that it was  Autumn when I wrote this and I’ve heard people call this time ‘fall’ so that’s why I put it there.)

Te Amo, Xoxo